VERSUS: Match One!

WHO: Edgar Allan Poe VERSUS William Shakespeare

PREDICTED WINNER: Poe.

WHY: Poe's wirey and cranky and he's deeply devoted to whatever passion he's fulfilling at the moment.

LET'S GET IT ON!!!!

Poe didn’t care where he was—didn’t even care that after turning down a foggy alley in his beloved Boston the ground beneath his feet had changed from the uneven cobblestones to slimy, pitted earth. All he cared about was finding out where that wonderful smell was coming from. Oh, the sweetness of it. Like burning sugar and cut wood. Whiskey.
After spying a troop of drunken ne’er-do-wells flopping out of a doorway, singing aloud to a song with no melody, Poe figured he’d found his destination. The place was small, dark, and dirty. Just the place for his weary mind and heavy stomach. Again, his tunnel-vision prevented him from noticing that he was being noticed. Everyone in the place was glaring at him. But he sat down and ordered a whiskey. Silently, the inn keeper filled a wooden cup with the brew and gave it to the large-headed man with dark eyes. Poe took a single sip.

“This is terrible,” he said. Then he slugged it down and ordered another. But before he could bring the bowl to his lips, there was a commotion behind him, drawing his attention. A puffy-shirted gentleman came into the bar hollering incessantly about something or other. Poe’s head throbbed too much for him to care.

The huffy man slammed his hands on the bar and bellowed a guttural bark of frustration. Then he turned and looked at Poe, his eyes scanning him up and down like they were on springs. Poe admired the man’s costume, complete with starched, frilly collar. He certainly was a dandy. Must be part of some traveling group of actors up from New York, he thought.

“Sir,” the man said to Poe. “Be thee an alien?”

Poe looked at the man from the corners of his eyes. There was a striking familiarity to him, but the horrible alcohol was already clouding his overcast mind. He simply nodded and drank down his whiskey.

“From where dost thou deliver?” the man asked.

“Boston,” Poe grunted.

“Boss tone,” the man repeated. “Be it near far-Germania?”

Poe set the cup down on the bar and sighed, motioning the inn keeper for a refill.

“If you pardon me, sir, I wish to drown my sorrows in quiet melancholy,” he said. “I bid you good afternoon.”

The man took a step back, his round face reddening in the cheeks as if his wide collar had suddenly gone tight.

“You address me thus?” he huffed.

Poe turned on the man. He just wanted a quiet afternoon with his favorite vice, his most recent muse. Why wouldn’t this over-educated buffoon simply let him drift into maddening inebriation? Instead, he chose to ignore the gaudy purveyor of stage-English and downed his whiskey hurriedly.

But then the man’s hand gripped Poe’s shoulder and thrust him backwards, spilling his wooden cup of liquor.

“Dost thou take me for a rogue?” the man demanded. “Am I little more than the shite ‘neath his lordship’s heel?”

At that instant, Poe saw the man’s hand slipping closer and closer to one of the many belts he wore around his waist—the one carrying the small dagger. Without much need for mental clarity, Poe took up the nearest weapon to him, the wooden bowl, and tossed it into the brash bastard’s face. And in the instant the man closed his eyes and reacted to the projectile, Poe leaned down and charged his rival, slamming his large head into the man’s soft belly.

The two fell to the floor in a tangled heap, Poe doing his best to land a solid hit through all of the fabric the man wore. When that failed he raised up slightly and brought down both hands onto the man’s nose with the force of a meaty hammer. The man yelled in pain and flung his attacker off, curling into a ball. Poe took the opportunity and lashed out with his leg, the wooden heel of his boot connecting firmly with the side of the injured man’s head.

The man went down, groaning. Poe strode up to him, towering over his prostrate frame. He could hear the soft whimpers of defeat coming from the loud-mouth’s bloodied lips. My God, how good he felt. It was the first fight Poe had ever won. All those times as a child when he was the one bleeding came back to him. Like the ghosts of so many of his stories, the faces of the bullies lingered just out of his field of vision. And they made him angry. He wanted them to watch, wanted them to be afraid. He’d tried it with words with some success, but now he would give them something new to fear. Something new to himself.

Poe lifted his leg and brought the heel down again. The patrons in the bar gasped in horror. Good. They gasped when he did it again and again. Soon they stopped gasping, but Poe did not stop. Not until he was drunkenly satisfied.

He left the bar, trailing bloody shoe marks in the rugged dirt road. And after a bit of wandering, he passed through the fog bank and tripped over the memorable cobblestones. When he woke later that night, still in the alley, he found it hard to walk. Upon returning to his apartment, he discovered the heel of his shoe was missing and his trousers caked with dried gore.

With his head buzzing from the inferior whiskey, he lay down. Just before he shut his eyes, he noticed a small bust above his writing desk. It was of a huffy man with a too-wide collar, with similar features to the man Poe had bested the previous night. The engraved name: William Shakespeare.

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED: Basically, Poe went ballistic and took his adversairy by surprise. I think that had Shakespeare been given another heartbeat, he might have pulled that knife and stuck Poe, ending this early. But Poe's built up rage actually worked to his advantage here. He lives to fight another day--probably with his own demons, though. And he might not win that one.

Introducing VERSUS!

I haven't done a blog in a while, mainly because school has started up again and I've overloaded myself. But Friday's are set up to be my easy days, so I might get to do one a week--more if I get nice and tweaked.

Anyway, with all the down time I don't have, I've decided to to start up a new thing to try and gain a wider reading audience--these four people just aren't cutting it (not that I don't totally love you guys for reading, because I do. You all rock!!)

I'm going to be doing a VERSUS column.  What is that, you ask?

VERSUS is going to be a fictional encounter between any two people where I come up with a setting, and a reason, and let them duke it out! Oh yeah, you heard me. I'm talking prime-time fighting revolving around two random people (real or fictitious). I'm going to break it up into three sections. Section One will be the breakdown: who's fighting and who's predicted to win. Section Two: the fight (ding, ding). Section Three: recap and explanation of why it turned out the way it did. 

I know that Wizard Magazine used to do something like this with comic characters, but I haven't been able to afford one in a long time, so I don't know if they still do. But mine is going to be awesome! You want Darth Vader versus a ninja? You got it! How about Superman versus the Little Mermaid? Boom! Done. I'll even throw in Mother Teresa versus Cthulhu just because I can.

BUT HERE'S THE BEST PART: I'll be taking suggestions from my friends on who goes at it next. And if I get stuck, I'll post a poll where you can vote on the victor--but the most popular choice might not necessarily win. Why? Because anything can happen, baby!

So if this sounds interesting, then tell your friends to follow me here or on Facebook so that they can get in on the action, too. But don't wait too long, because you never know when I'm going to change my mind. Sometimes I can get a little bit like Hunter S. Thompson on acid, mushrooms, and booze.

Somebody Help Hamburger Helper

I was at the store the other day, checking out the Hamburger Helper section--yes, we're that poor that Hamburger Helper is now in our cupboards. I looked at all of the different Helper helpers and was actually kind of impressed that they have such a variety, breaking it down into meats (tuna, chicken, or hamburger), and then into ethnic varieties (Italian, Asian, Mexican). I wasn't really paying that much attention though, because my eyes skimmed over most of them without a second glance.

But then I saw this young mother reach out and grab a box of Hamburger Helper Italian Spaghetti and Meat Sauce. It took me a second to register what had just happened. Now, I know that a box of Helper is pretty cheap, usually around $3, and in these hard times people look at price more than ever. But I can't for the life of me figure out why someone would bypass an entire aisle in Wal-Mart containing all kinds of flavored sauces and shapes of pasta for a box of Helper. Yeah, a jar of sauce is about the same price as a box of Helper; a pound of beef is about that much too, so you've doubled the price. Then factor in that the pasta costs a little less. So you're looking at a meal that costs about three times as much as the Helper. But think of the serving size.

The recommended serving size on Helper is 1 cup, prepared. That isn't much. And when you consider that when they show the stuff in the commercials, there is usually about three side dishes and a salad and bread. I doubt that mother was fixing such a lavish meal to her and her son. Now compare that to the jar, meat, and pasta and you get something different.

I mean, honestly, in most families, when it is spaghetti night, that is the feature item, usually served with a salad and bread, but nothing much. It is a meal in itself, with protein, grains, vegetables, and dairy if you like cheese (and who doesn't?). Plus if you get the big box of spaghetti, you can serve, like, ten people as much as they want.

I don't know. Maybe I'm missing the point of Hamburger Helper Spaghetti and Meat Sauce. Maybe it exists for the same reason the Chef Boyardee has canned Spaghetti and Meatballs. But I can see a need for canned, pre-cooked pasta. With the Helper, you still have to cook the noodles.

Anybody out there had Helper Spaghetti? What did you think? Worth it? Or is it better to get a jar of sauce and a box of pasta and make it your damn self?

Scott Pilgrim vs. Me

Thanks to a free trial weekend of Cinemax, I was able to DVR a bunch of movies I have not yet seen. One of which was the much-hyped Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

Let me start by saying that I'm sick of Michael Cera. I liked him as George Michael Bluth on Arrested Development--and so must everyone else, because that is the only character he plays! From Superbad to Juno to Youth in Revolt, Cera plays the same stammering, weak-voiced kid with a chip on his shoulder and a desire to prove he's more than his character's cliche. But he always fails. Now, I actually liked Youth in Revolt, but that was only because of the alter ego his character created. The pathetic loser Scott Pilgrim is no different. From the very beginning, I hated the kid. He moped around for most of the movie, mumbling, whining and making me want to kill myself, and I'm supposed to identify with this idiot? His few shining moments actually came out of the blue, as in, he'd be getting his ass kicked and then come up with some cunning strategy for defeating his rival. And don't give me the argument that this is a movie about a kid who has video game-style battles, that I shouldn't take it so seriously, because all of that aside, this is a character-driven story, and the characters sucked.

Moving on to Romana. Mary Elizabeth Winstead was amazing as that character, but I, again, hated the character. Chicks like Ramona suck! They're selfish, egotistical, and fake. They pretend to be edgy and open and all about sexual power and freedom, but all they really want is for someone to look at them and want them, though they don't want to be tied down or labeled as a "girlfriend"--which is why girls like that are usually the ones who end the relationships, as shown in the movie. If there is one thing this movie got right, it is showing how ridiculous girls who act this way can be. I'm sorry, but I don't care how hot you are or much you pretend to be into me, if one of your ex-lovers shows up and demands I fight, then see ya! No girl is worth a vicious uppercut from a vegan-powered, anime-inspired, former Superman, Brandon Routh. And to make matters worse, this bitch runs off and hides when there is a fight (over her, by the way), only to randomly pop up later and say that "I do that sometimes." Piss off, you ditsy cow! I whooped up on three super-beings for you and you disappear, probably off flirting with some other unsuspecting loser to get a free cup of coffee. Gah! I hated Ramona and really think that Scott should have gotten back together with Kim, the cute, girl-next-door drummer.

Whew! Moving on . . .

This film actually did something a little different in that the actors they cast to be in their early 20s looked more like they were in their early teens. Usually, it's the other way around. I mean, is Sarah Michelle Gellar still playing a high school girl? While I thought that it was a good choice to actually cast actors into their age-appropriate roles, it looked off to me. Maybe I'm just too old. The little Asian girl who played Knives was actually the only one who I thought was just perfect. She was supposed to be younger than the others and really looked it.

My absolute favorite thing about this movie was Kieran Culkin! His portrayal of the openly gay, laid back, witty roommate and bed-buddy of Scott was genius. I could have watched a whole movie about him. Usually, I dislike gay characters in film and TV because I often feel as though they are thrown in there to be gay, and for no other reason. Lately there seems to be a rash of randomly gay characters popping up where sexual orientation plays no part in the story and is just there for a shock value. But Wallace Wells is the kind of homosexual that I'd like to party with. Why? Because he's cool with his sexuality and isn't forcing it on those around him. He isn't there to creep out a homophobe or make sassy, really faggy comments. He's just gay--and yes, it does play into the story, so I'm all for it.

Though I really didn't care for the story, I loved the way it was presented. Sadly, I think the irony of the 16-bit video games were lost on the characters and most of the audience. These kids were born into the N64/Sega Genisis/Playstation era and weren't around for the golden oldies of Contra, Super Mario Bros., or The Legend of Zelda. If this story were about a bunch of 30-year-olds looking to rekindle their past, it would have made a lot more sense--and I could have tolerated Scott Pilgrim chasing the worst kind of female creature there is.

Over all, I rate this a C-. It lost heavy points for having shitty characters and an over-used plot, but it gained points for its unique style and excellent use of star cameos.

Fight the Future of Video Games!

Every video game needs some kind of major hook in order to make it more appealing to consumers. Some developers give things away when you preorder the game, which is by far the most appealing and most expensive option. But the most popular option is the downloadable content (DLC), special things--usually costumes, weapons, levels, or entirely new games--that you download to your gaming platform of choice for a small fee or for free with a special code.

But what about people like me who have a slow internet connection, one that isn't hooked up to my P$3? Well, the game industry has come up with an answer: TOO BAD!

I was in a video game store just recently to sell some of my old games and I asked the guy working there about the Back to the Future video game, and when it would be released for the consoles. He told me that there are absolutely no plans for the game to be released on a disc that I can pop in my machine and enjoy. His information was confirmed by the video game's website. So here is a game that I really want to play, one that I've been waiting for since it was first announced some three years ago, and I'm being told I can't play it. Oh, sure, I could spend the money and download it to my computer, only to have the download time itself out after eighteen hours or so.

I'm just sick of all of this DLC that sounds pretty cool, but that I'll never be able to see. And to make matters worse, the companies act like it's my fault--basically by saying that it isn't theirs. But yes, it is their fault. They are the ones who are taking this content out of the game and putting it someplace where only a select number can access it. If they wanted to, it would be easy for them to include the stuff within the game itself and just require a code to be entered to access it. That's how it used to work.

The one company I will give props to is Rockstar Games. They released an expansion pack that was DLC for their successful western Red Dead Redemption called Undead Nightmare, which is a handful of new missions, weapons, and characters centered around a zombie outbreak. Then, they did something sweet. They released it on a disc so that rural slobs like me could have a chance to play it. I don't know why this is so hard for other developers to do.

Sadly, this is only the beginning. We're already seeing entire music albums being released online only. The same goes for the "webisodes" of television shows. Even movies are gaining success with internet releases, so it was only the natural step for video games to follow. Unfortunately, this means that more and more heavily-hyped titles are going to be released online only, because it is much cheaper for the game makers to sell just the data than it is for them to produce thousands of plastic discs and packaging. There is already a device that you can buy which gives you access to games, much in the same way that Netflix lets you watch movies through your internet-connected console. I forget the name of this thing, but I can only imagine a near future where the P$4 won't even have a place to insert a disc because it will be an all DLC machine.

And that's where I'll stop. Because I like pretty cases sitting on the shelf that I can stroll over to and pick up and look at. People have tried to tell me that books will soon be phased out for this Kindell or Nook, or that magazines and newspapers will become extinct and available only on the iPad or some other tablet. But that's horseshit. Books will always be printed. Video games are another story. And with games going straight to DLC and never seeing shelves, it won't be long before video game stores only sell used games and places like Best Buy and Target won't even sell them anymore--more likely they'll sell gift cards you can use to purchase the DLC much in the same way they sell cards for iTunes.

I'm just tired of feeling like I'm being punished because of where I live. When we lived in town we had high-speed internet, but not out here in the boonies. Though we get phone calls and mailers telling us we can get AT&T or Charter cable internet, when we call them about it they say it isn't available, and that there are no plans to make it so anytime soon. It isn't bad enough that I'm already treated like an outsider because I don't go online and run around digital mazes, shooting at other players (or, more likely, being shot again and again and again) for hours on end, but now I'm being denied the chance to even play a game that I really want to. So the best thing to do is just shrug my shoulders.

It may not be fair, but it's the future.

Superheroes: More American Jobs Lost to Outsourcing

Whenever there is a big-budget superhero film in the works there is always an electric buzz of anticipation surrounding who will be cast in the title role. But lately there has been a disturbing trend involving our beloved American warriors on screen: the actors aren't American. The most recent victim has been Superman, the hero who fights for truth, justice, and . . . her Royal Highness? Yup. Henry Cavill, who plays Clark Kent/Superman in the upcoming Man of Steel, was born on the small island of Jersey in the English Channel between Great Britain and France.

Another recent addition to Her Majesty's forces of good was Andrew Garfield, who nabbed the top spot in next summer's The Amazing Spider-Man. Oh, sure, you could argue that he was born in the U.S. and moved to England when he was four, but that doesn't count. Duel citizenship only goes so far as the accent, buddy. And he's quite proud of his nationality. And that's fine. I don't blame him, anyway.

Another of the big names fighting crime under the Union Jack is King Turd on the Guano Pile himself, Christian Bale from the over-appreciated, over-exposed, and heavily-defended The Dark Knight. It is well known that Bale heavily researches his roles (they call it method acting), even going so far as to study accents from around the world to accurately depict the people he's portraying. He takes it a step further and uses that accent when doing press junkets and television appearances, to keep the audience with him and not alarm them. Bravo to him for being that hard of a worker.

Hugh Jackman as the grumbling, easily-angered Logan from Wolverine and the X-Men films is an Aussie (okay, so Wolvie is actually Canadian, but he's badass enough to let it slide).

Famke Jensen as Jean Gray in the X-Men films is from Holland.

Eric Bana from the first Hulk film (though some would say it was a disaster), another Aussie.

Ioan Gruffudd from "America's first family of heroes" The Fantastic Four, another Brit.

You know, at this point, I should probably stipulate that I'm all for hiring the right actor for the job, and it doesn't bother me who plays the part as long as they play it right and from the heart. It has just been something that I've picked up on of late. I don't know if Britain is just churning out better actors, or if the directors (many of whom are also from other countries) are looking for actors with passports, because a lot of these movies are filmed in Australia, New Zealand, or England because of the lower costs to work there--something else this country needs to work on to increase revenue.

It doesn't really matter because we still have Robert Downey Jr. (oh, wait, he's starring as the iconic British detective Sherlock Holmes--haha! Take that, you Limey bastards!)

An Open Letter to Food Network

Dear Food Network,

I have watched your programming for more almost two decades now and I have finally reached my breaking point. For too long your "celebrity" chefs have gone out of their way to create dishes that are neither new nor exciting, instead relying on special ingredients to "enhance" flavor. But the fatal flaw in nearly all of the cooking shows you produce is your lack of consideration for the majority of your viewers, relying more on expensive and hard to find items to make the cooks feel special and seem more cultured than the rest of us.

First, I want to address how the Food Network kitchens do not concern themselves with the fact that there are people who watch their show who live in the Midwest, some in small, rural areas. When I watch a chef talk about the ingredients they use, I am impressed with how they can make them sound desirable. Yet there is no way that I can procure these items as some of them are just to exotic (pickled pineapple leaves? Really?). I often hear them tell me that the item can be found at most "megamarts." Well, Food Network, I'm here to tell you that it cannot. I have searched high and low for things like fresh lemongrass in my town and it just doesn't exist. Now, this usually only relates to those specialty items that go into whatever it is that the chef is making, but it usually those specialty items that make the dish sound appealing in the first place. Which leads me into my second point.

If, on the rare occasion, I can find that secret ingredient, I am usually let down that it costs some kind of exuberant amount of money--especially for the amount the dish calls for. This often leads to me buy the item, use a small amount, then let it rot in the fridge until I toss it out, because I'm not about to go looking for recipes that call for that ingredient to have every night of the week until I get my money's worth. It's called variety. Now, I know that you have all kinds of money to toss around, and that your test kitchens and studios are located above one of New York City's premiere markets where you can procure just about anything at any time. But I live in the middle of Farm Country, USA, and I can't just pop over to the store and get just a little bit of anything. Going to the store around here is a day-long event where all the weekly necessities are purchased in one stop.

I also think that you should be more responsible when it comes to balancing cost and diet. It seems to me that your shows that are devoted to eating healthy, again, fail to consider that many Americans cannot afford to eat natural, organic foods. For instance, I just watched a show where one of your cooks devoted the whole episode to healthy substitutes for common snack foods. I was more than a bit curious. However, when this person went to the grocery store to give me some simple ideas to cut fat and calories, I was shocked at her suggestions. Not because I didn't agree with the choices, or thought that they were giving me bad information, but rather because they seemed to assume that money was no object. A prime example of this came in the form of the suggested milk substitute. They offered up almond milk in exchange for skim milk. And while I agree that almond milk contains less fat per serving than skim milk, it also costs a lot more--at least around here. A gallon of milk costs between $2.75 and $3.50. A quart of almond milk checks in around $4.00. So a gallon of almond milk costs $16.00. At the end of the cook's segment, they proclaimed that, with a shopping cart full of healthy foods, they had saved me, the viewer, almost 2000 calories. Yes, but you just upped my weekly grocery bill by about $300! And that is just irresponsible! And yes, I could go on and on about how unfair it is that food manufacturers are responsible for the high cost of health foods, not you. I've seen it for myself in that two similar foods are placed next to each other; one is a healthy option--however when you look at the details, there is actually less of the healthy product in the packaging, and they are charging you a much higher price. Basically, more for less. I could also rant about how they complain that it costs them more to make the healthy stuff. But I won't.

One way that I have thought up to elevate some of this anger and disillusion is for the cooks in the test kitchens to be thoughtful to the plight of the 9.2% of Americans who are unemployed, and come up with alternate ingredients. If I can't find candied plums, what else can I use? Or let's say that my local megamart doesn't carry West African Tanta root. Is there an alternative? I have passed on so many recipes that actually sounded good because I know for a fact that I can't get the stuff to make it.

I think that it would be a real nice thing if you could somehow stop the over-use of these high-priced, hard to find ingredients. Not everyone can just stop by the Wal-Mart on their way home from work and pick up lobster stock--let alone afford the lobsters to make their own. So I'm begging you to please be considerate to your viewers who have no money and live in the middle of nowhere. We're not all stupid rednecks who think that gourmet cuisine comes from that there Fazoli's. Like you, I want to make great-tasting food at home for my family to enjoy.

It is up to you to start controlling your chefs by paying attention to what they make and what they use to make it. Take a second and think: Can farmer Bob get his hands on this ingredient? If not, what can we use that is readily available almost everywhere?

Thank you.

P.S. Oh, and one other thing: get rid of Bobby Flay. There are only so many different ways to prepare a cheesesteak or steak and eggs, and he has done them all ten times over--who cares if he created a new pepper sauce to go over it? The man lost so many of his throw-downs that he threatened to quit the show, until you stepped in and (I'm assuming) bought his victories. I mean, come on, the man used the words "crusty nut sludge" when describing the perfect chocolate chip cookie . . . then proceeded to put hot pepper powder in the cookie dough. Two words: cattle prod! 'Nuff said.