First Facebook Impressions

Every so often, I get a random Facebook request from someone I don't know. Hey, no problem, that's how you make new friends and acquaintances. But in this style of society, it is totally cool to judge a book by its cover, or profile picture--that isn't to say it isn't fun to psychoanalyze them anyway. So here's a fun little jumble of my all-time, most-detested profile pictures that have been in my request box the last few weeks (these aren't in any real order). NOTE: THIS ENTRY DOES NOT PERTAIN TO PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK, just strangers who are trying to boost their friend numbers.

A picture that isn't of the person. I've received friend requests from all sorts of fun things. Based on the idea that the picture is of the profile owner, I've had requests from cars and motorcycles, marijuana leaves, infants, recognizable celebrities with different names (yes, Robert Pattinson wanted to be my friend using the name Jenny XXXXX), beer cans and liquor bottles, and company logos. Honestly, if I don't already know you, I'm not going to be your friend anyway, but using a pot leaf as your profile picture is just asking for the police to come knocking on your door with probable cause. Also, unless you're a tricked-out 1982 Pontiac Trans Am with a witty AI, I'm not friending a car! And here's the part that really drives me nuts: a lot of these people have their profiles set to super secret, so that even if I wanted to know who they were, I couldn't. Not unless I become their friend first. Now, I just went through my friends list (I only have 80, so it didn't take long), and only 13.75% are not using a picture of themselves. Don't get me wrong, I quite frequently use an image of something other than myself--just recently it was the Ecto 1 designed in the style of CARS, but I usually try and find something that just screams "ME," so that if you look at it, you know right away who you're talking to. If you're already my friend, I don't really care what your profile picture is, because I know who you are. But if you're someone I don't know very well, then don't make me guess.

Silly faces. Oh, how sweet. You've got your eyes crossed, your tongue lolled to one side, and your finger up your nose. Will I be your friend? Yes, please! There's nothing I like more than a person with such self-assurance that they can make fun of themselves in a public forum. And the crazier and more outlandish the better. I love people who are the life of the party. So thank you for being my friend. WAIT A MINUTE! Now that we're friends, I can see your profile, and it says that you love everything that I hate, and that you are of a different background than me, and that you are, in actuality, a stuck-up prude! Gah! Your silly face tricked me into thinking that you were an outgoing person and lots of fun. I feel so defrauded. Unfriend.

The duck face. Oh, yeah, I had to have a separate section just for this ridiculous little gem. Girls, what the hell? Where did this come from, why is it popular, and, are you serious? Sticking your lips out, and trying to flatten them into some kind of deformed pout makes you look silly, not attractive. You look like you just got stung by a bee...or that someone gave you pee instead of lemonade. I really didn't mind when you were all using the kissy-face. It was at least kind of endearing. Oh, and by the way, guys are now doing this. Yup. These jerkoffs who buy Jersey Shore on DVD are now posing in self portraits with their shirts lifted up to expose their "abs" and sporting the duck face. Somewhere, Daffy and Donald have come together over their differences to rally against this.

Gang signs. Are these really still around? And does someone from Minnesota really need to be representin' the East or West side? You're not bad, you're not scary, and you're twelve.

Groups. I'm not interested in playing detective. Which one are you? There's nine people in this picture and one of them wants to be my friend. Use MS Paint and circle yourself, or draw an arrow or something.

Middle fingers. Fuck you, too. You're such a nice person, flipping me off in your profile picture, why wouldn't I want to be your friend. First impressions, yo.

Once again, I cannot stress enough that if you are already my Facebook friend, then this doesn't apply to you. But you might want to keep this in mind if you're trolling for an ex or that cute member of the opposite sex (or same sex; I don't judge) you met at the bar last week. I'm just here to help.